Communication and Connection In Neurodiverse Families

Do you have a neurodivergent loved one? Individuals in neurodiverse families have different social skill sets and perpectives about how relationships work. These differences have brought my family many fun experiences I wouldn't trade for anything. At times, it also brings miscommunication among adults. Regardless of the circumstances, communication works best when everyone feels safe, respected, and understood.

Neurotypical parents and caregivers likely feel more confident in their ability to communicate feelings, problems, and ideas. It’s how we’ve protected and taken care of our loved ones. It can be hard to see all the ways our adult children have matured, especially when they still need our support. For neurodiverse families, updating our assumptions about each other as adults can make a huge difference for everyone, especially young adults ready for more independence.

Below are some common behaviors in neurodivergent adults that are often misinterpreted, resulting in confusion and conflict. It may be helpful to talk as a family about which items you identify with and how they may be better interpreted going forward. Better understanding your loved one's adult behaviors can help everyone feel more safe, understood, and loved, especially when problems need to be communicated and solved together.

Here are some ways your neurodivergent loved one may show they feel overwhelmed and unsafe:

They physically or emotionally disappear from a social situation.
They have a meltdown or a shutdown which can take many forms.
They don't ask for help or anything else.
They engage in noticeably anxious “stimming” (repetitive physical movements or sounds to relieve anxiety).
They feel attacked or trapped and lash out.
They escape into special interests to avoid uncomfortable interactions.

Here are some other ways your neurodivergent loved one may show they feel safe and comfortable. Many are also expressions of love, so reacting with love in return is super important:

They allow long silences when you're together and don't try to fill silence with small talk.
They may conduct social skill experiments by doing or saying things just to see what your reaction is.
They may help or correct you.
They engage in "penguin pebbling." This is when your loved one shares small items or information snippets they think you will appreciate.
They engage in "info dumping." This is when they share detailed information about their special interests with you.
They move their body freely. This includes swaying, hand flapping, t-rexing (holding arms like a t-rex dinosaur), and touching, smelling, or pressing against you.

What else would you add? Let us know in the comments!

I'm Amy

I'm a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW), Certified Transformation Life Coach, and mom of an adult son with autism and ADHD. Real help is hard, if not impossible, to find for families with neurodivergent adults, so I founded Unique Minds Coaching to support and practical help when neurodivergent kids grow up. This is a judgment-free zone to help you identify your family’s unique strengths and challenges, then create a practical roadmap to less overwhelm and more love.

Strengths-Based Coaching for Parents & Caregivers of Neurodivergent Adults

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